upsilamba outpost

a quiet start

2012-01-09T17:49:00.000-08:00

i'm off to a quiet start to the year

which is what i needed

i end the first

with what is now tradition---

celebrating my birthday

with my best friends Sarah and Evan

a family

who I have come to see

as my own

i love these two boys

-O+E-

E is very funny these days.

when he says my name

it sounds very French

"Me-ree"

-as if croissants were just a plate away-

O is as sweet as ever

he took that photo of me.

my eyes are baggy

from having stayed up late

to catch my family
and a dear friend
--jecee--

on skype

thousands of miles away

i miss them very much

and wish I could be

there

but here

is no small consolation

either

life

good.

i hope your first week of this dragon of a year

is as calm and as full of promise

2012: a plan

2012-01-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

{ 2 0 1 2 }

it is the year of the dragon

are you ready?

getting into it

2011-12-10T18:18:00.001-08:00

finally got to putting in some lights to the apartment

it makes all the difference.

it really gets me in the spirit of things---

i'm leaving some decorations

for when friends come and visit

this week

--can't wait to see nada and mandy--

i have the soundtrack ready---

Home Alone

it's the best holiday music

for all christmas chores

hanging lights

putting up the tree

wrapping gifts

making gifts

speaking of making

i got into making

little kitchen scrubbies

it's not for everyone

but i know a few people

who would love

something like this.

like me

i would love a

handmade

scrubber of pots

made with

twine

and stuffed

with wool

wouldn't you?

i say best of all

have fun

and don't forget

why we're running

around

like chickens

without heads

running so many errands

to get done

before

the-day

and if you need

some inspiration

or some reminding

come on over

to the Chapel at St. Ignatius tomorrow

December 11, 2011

at 3pm

and hear beautiful music

of the Advent

admission is free

cheers,

Ashima

2011-12-01T10:37:00.001-08:00

before we get into the rush
of the holiday season

i want to take a moment
of calm

i want to be mindful

of the why

--ashima

on fall walks

2011-11-20T14:52:00.001-08:00

Out on a walk

on what might be

the last true days of fall,

the trees were on a rampage.

on days like this

i look ahead

at the frost

that will surely come

knowing

same time next year

the trees and me

shall meet again

these days....

fall

freely

it seems to come easy.

have you any plans for the winter?

i have some

not a lot

just a few

special ones

love,

ashima

19 November 2011

on weddings

2011-10-09T17:05:00.001-07:00

my cousin lorna married paul this summer---

a beautiful beach wedding

for bridesmaid gifts we got to pick our nail polish
and we walked the aisle barefoot.
(love)

me, my sisters,

my mom, my dad,

my brother in law, my nephew---

we all came

we thought of ton and amy

so much on this day

the last time we were all together

was for a wedding too.

i love weddings in my family

i feel us growing

in numbers

and in love.

(love)

my favorite part of any wedding

you'd never guess

are you guessing?

guess some more?

it's not the cake---

although that's yummy

it's not not dress---

althought it's pretty

it's not the open bar---

i am a light weight when it comes to that

it's kind of the dancing

but not always.

---yes! my one notable quote in a newspaper is about dancing---

but i digress--

my favorite part about weddings

are the holding of hands

i see it everywhere

i particularly remember

the way ton and amy held hands

at the altar

i love that kind

not perfunctory ones

called by occasion and manners

but that one--

where you really take their hands in yours

to tell them

i am here

and
you are here

and
we are in this

---together---

love,
ashima

Open toe shoes

2011-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

it is the first day of fall

and already i'm reaching out

for my warm socks.

open toe shoes

i will miss you

and all the places you took me

this summer.

-ashima

23 September 2011

how today felt

2011-09-12T21:25:00.000-07:00

today

I am a finisher.

everytime i leave a job

i never feelthat i'm done.

it's hard to describe

the feeling

when you know

it is time

for you

to go

while at the same time

figuring out

how to say

thanks

how to make that big

to cover the remarkablescopeofgratitude

for peoplewho made you believe

in the best parts of yourself

it never feels enough

but i need to say it

somehow.

ten years later

2011-09-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

ten years later

we still remember

where we were

when the two towers fell

9.11.2001

on matters light and gray

2011-09-09T01:06:00.000-07:00

have you though about

what you would do

when you can no longer ignore

the greys in your hair

when you can no longer tuck

that one long silver one

behind the mane of black

i am starting to---

i don't know if I should color my roots

i don't have the tenacity for it.

i get my haircutonce every fifteen months

by the time i see my hair dresser

i need to often remind her my name

i will probably follow

in the footsteps of my Mom.

she doesn't know it but I do

my Mom has decided.

she has put a stop to all of it---

the packets of Biggen,

the murky gloves,

the overnight transformation,

the resetting of roots and time.

at least for now--

long enough to see

what her roots would tell her

and her roots are telling her

that she is a beauty

no matter what

Making room, taking time

2011-07-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly easing into summer. This is a departure from my usual where I join the millions of Chicago folks who, tired of being cooped up in their homes in the long cold and rainy months, head out in full force to meet the sun and the beach and the crowds.

It's almost the middle of July. Sports tournaments are almost halfway done. All the stores are already advertising end of summer sales.

What end? I've just started. Please. Slow down and let time be time. Let's make room, let's take time.

The danger in choosing not to make contact with others seems so much larger than the danger in doing so. Making room in our lives for more people is what we are meant to do, even if they eventually leave, or we do. Remaining open to what may come. Enlarging a sense of home, one small risk at a time.

Charlotte Bacon
New York Times
Lessons from a Year in Bali

lessons from the weather

2011-06-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to a kind of day where you want to immediately go back to bed. It was gloomy and rainy with no signs of letting up. But look at how the day ended. Bright and sunny with warmth to spare for a yet-still cold swim for the brave and warm-hearted. It goes to show you can never really give up on your day. There might be an impromptu picnic by the beach waiting for you at the end of it.

Yes, that's it. No apologies. No forewords. I'm just simply back.

-Ashima

2011-01-04T20:53:00.000-08:00

The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, Whose charms were broken if revealed.

From Jane Eyre
Charles Bronte

this weekend is for these two

2010-06-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

Heading home to visit these two.

I'm so excited.

cheers,
Ashima

spring is just a few f-stops away

2010-03-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

hello---

it's been a while.

again.

i must apologize.

i don't understand how time passes.

it was the start of the year

the marking of a new decade made it seem

like it was different than the year before

like time would run slower

so that my head can catch up

to my heart

my heart to my hands

my hands to my feet

my feet to the ground

but as it turns out

the ground shakes

for but minutes

and in a thousand-fold

hearts break

and because of it

our days are permanently slower

and what used to be a rock solid number 24
might possibly be just a mathematical exercise in rounding off

even less time to do
the things we need to do

such urgency---
that one can find themselves
hurrying for time that is not there

so i took a walk
because life doesn't slow down

even as we have less time

it doesn't stop

it goes on

because it must

and so must we.

spring is slowly coming into focus

i can see the lighthouse coming into view

and i feel hope swell

in my heart

to my hands

from my hands to my feet

my feet to the ground

the ground i know is not solid

it will shake and reconfigure itself

and so the people whose feet are planted on it.

--Ashima

21 March 2010

Lately, it has been about a boy

2010-03-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

We are mesmerized by his every move.

27: live in the details

2010-01-27T22:53:00.000-08:00

My Mom always complains that I take pictures of nothing. She doesn't mean to be hurtful. It's a true inquiry. I grew up with the notion that film was expensive and photographs were a luxury, that we should get the most out of every single photograph we can take of the 36 roll film on our red instamatic. Where I'm from it's not a picture unless there's a person staring at you, mugshot style. When i was 10 years old, my Mother took me to a city famous for it's majestic volcano and there I was in my souvenir shot. Against the volcano, I was but a speck.

Always, I find that when I'm trying to take photographs, I struggle to compose photos that show the whole in totality. I see big picture in the small details, i think. hence, resolve to live in the details. It is evening here. The dusk is settling. There is still time. I can still make dinner. My kitchen towels are well-worn and I like that.

--ashima

11. celebrate

2010-01-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

e. makes the biggie analog switch from 0-1

so exciting.

resolve...

to always celebrate birthdays.

even if not so strategically timed

such as this,

occurring on the heels

of the two biggest holidays in the planet.

so what if you are full

of cake and sweets

and presents

there's is no such thing

as too much love

happy birthday

my dearest little

mr. e

8. consider the big bang

2010-01-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

the birthday book says

jan 8

is the day of the big bang

must i consider

that i'm meant for big things?

ought i change

and start thinking big

i never did

but

maybe i should

everyone tells me so

but it doesn't matter

what they say

i must believe it

for myself

so i

resolve

to consider the big bang

incidentally

i got a haircut

and got bangs

and styled my hair in curls

and shocked everyone

shall i mark this resolve check?

please say yes

7. resolve

2010-01-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

2010
not just a new year
but the banner year for a new decade

do you feel a need
to mark the moment?

i do.

but i need to think about it
because i don't usually think
that one only ought to change
as indicated by an arbitrary date
in a calendar

because i know lots of calendars
gregorian
julian

all kinds of ways we mark time
but only one way to spend it

i need time
to think
to plan
so i don't make
haphazard goals---
like someone just wanting to make
enormous changes at the last minute

i want to really understand---
what do I need?
who and what matter?

i am open to ideas.

here is one:

resolve ....
to have nothing in my life and home
that I do not know to be useful
and believe to be beautiful

ashima

01.07.2010

2009-12-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

reaching up

coming up

for air

for light

for something clear

a nice fall day for halloween

2009-10-31T20:00:00.000-07:00

spent the day

with the local firemen union

a gaggle of beasts and monsters

and my own personal super heroes

i love fall days like these.

bottoms up

2009-08-31T14:51:00.000-07:00

1. bottoms up 2. makulay 3. i heart...

drink up!
summer is on its way out
some would even argue it never came

taking ticking

2009-08-07T07:15:00.000-07:00

it was cold but i wanted to pretend
that summer came
like that call or that apology
it's half over
i haven't been for a swim
i'm counting up to three
then i'll go

I'm no scarlett

2009-07-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm no scarlett
still I'm embarassed

Please pardon
the dust

Thoughts?

2009-07-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

Comments?

Can we equate love?

2009-06-18T13:22:00.001-07:00

when things are crappy
i console myself
by thinking mathematically

i'm so fascinated by math
though I'm not good at it

it is so beyond me
that it's okay
if I don't understand it
so long as somebody does

like Newton
even though he's dead

i like to think that axioms rule
that reflection and symmetry
will somehow work it's way
to me

then today i read about differential equation and love ---
and that even Newton, brilliant as he was,
his mind ached at the intractability of it,
the chaos and how it invariably ruins the fluidity
of a beautiful equation

oh this makes me weep

Is my Ruby strange?

2009-06-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

free form ruby ring from onestonenewyork

I'm on a high of sorts having just finished a class learning a new language called ruby and a new framework called Rails. In nerdspeak, it is called RoR (Ruby on Rails) and from here on end it shall be called that. RoR! I also discovered new notations like '!' (the bang) and => (rocketship).

For now I'm still a code monkey, typing in code and figuring out errors as I see them. A friend asked me what it means to learn a new programming language. I said it is what it says. It's knowing exactly what you want to say in a construct that makes perfect sense in your head but the words could not formulate out of your mouth or a written page. In your head you have clouds and rain and you don't like the feel of your damp socks and what comes out is something like "the sky is wet and my socks are crying," close but goofy sounding so I love this post by this japanese learner of English for it so mirrors how we truly learn a language. You have to just give it a try, life most things in life if you think about it.

--Ashima
04 June 2009

p.s. If you like the ring above as much as I do, check out the amazing work of One Stone New York at his shop on etsy. He puts a whole new meaning to the phrase diamond in the rough.

the wait

2009-06-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

one of the hardest things in life

is having words in your heart

for things you cannot utter

--james earl jones

Knowing where to

2009-05-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

You tell me.

My life has been busy and hectic lately. I think I intended it that way. It's a good way to not think debate the merits of fundamentally meaningless things such as why I still have dongs. Today in my confusion, I found myself going in circles between presidents that mark roads on Michigan Avenue, unable to decide whether to meet friends in a tent or cold call fate on chance meetings by say the Lurie Gardens amidts chirping birds and lovely smelling lavender flowers and the blurry but brightly lit wing of modernity across the street.

It would seem if there was a setting for fate these were IT! Big mistake for all evening long I found myself alone with the chirping birds and lovely smelling spring blooms with the company of only a building that had the words: GO. For conversation it went in the way of a deadend for all I could say back to the immovable building is: Where?

What are we to do, really? Where can we find that which will tell us where to GO, what to do, who to be, what to say, who to say it to. I wish I had some kind of internal compass. My friends J+M will argue that I do. Most days I agree. Today is just not that day.

lilac showers

2009-05-18T13:36:00.001-07:00

showers in beautiful shades of blues and purples and pinks

vases filled with blooms

if you look at them closely, you remember what it is like to breathe in a color.

It is the last days for the lilac blooms....

See them here.

-ashima

when thinking deep thoughts, it's good to wear a (red) hat

2009-05-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

Found Cocon here .
It's been a busy couple of weeks.
I must put my thinking cap on for
much needed serious thinking up ahead.
But maybe after I make myself a red hat like this one.
It feels absolutely necessary.

Have a good week,
ashima

The Institute of Figuring

2009-04-23T19:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard to explain, maybe even justify, what we do here. I went back to work a few weeks ago and people often asked me what I've been doing all that time I was let go. It was surprisingly hard to answer mostly because job hunting is tough on anyone and I didn't do much of that for lack of trying. Instead I spent my time carving potatoes, scouring cheap fabric, and finishing up projects around the house. At the time, it felt indulgent to do that. People are fighting for jobs out here and there I was carving potatoes so I do what most people do, provide a non-answer, one of those handy phrases that don't mean anything, a meaningless response that fulfills the purpose of expediency in ending a conversation while waiting for you printout or the coffee to be replenished at the break room. Why couldn't I just say that I spent the time figuring things out. Why hide? Why be sheepish about something that most of us do in some capacity every single day of our lives.

Thus, it was with great relief and sense of validation that I came across the work of Margaret Wertheim, a science writer, who together with her sister started crocheting a coral reef in 2005 and since then hundred of contributors, 99% women, have added to the collective that has promoted environmental awareness, defied modern mathematic's conventional modes of modeling structures and forms, engaged a community of artisans and provided a much needed makeover of the mathematician stereotype (san the pocket protector). I hope you take a look here and visit her inspiring talk.

And if the weekend finds you needing inspiration, I send you these. I can spend days here figuring these things out:

+ crochet me reef
+ preserving the tradition of age-old craft
+ slowing down and being mindful of your work

Hope you have a good weekend,
Ashima
24 April 2009

Learning Ruby

2009-04-21T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm learning Ruby on Rails and I'm excited to finally get back to Smalltalk where everything is an an object!

Only people from the Nerdery would understand above sentence but I wanted to document it here. In class, at the start of the hour, there was much trepidation but you couldn't tell it from the rehearsed mannerisms of the odd characters in my class. You can say many things about the Nerdery but feeble personality is not one of them for we are strong in numbers and characters, and probably more accurately, strong in numbers WITH characters. Case in point is the goatee dude who seemed the most normal of all of us sporting the typical smart wool shirt and outdoor gear until he starts inflating a personal portable bum cushion. I love it! I feel at home here. I'm with kindred spirits.

I also have a deep love and passion for the jargon of my people. I think it's all messed up, but in the end funny, quirky and so flagrantly self-aggrandizing that it is froth full of material for creative writing. I shall try to document but as is wont to happen when I bring this geeky side, I defy my technical writing roots and shy away from documention. In OO speak, the code is the document. If I could write this blog in Ruby i would but I'm just learning, give me seven weeks. But for now, I say

def say_hello(name)
var = "Hello, " + name
return var
end

Telling stories

2009-04-20T20:37:00.001-07:00

Over at the studio, I'm loving these prints we've made. It started out with simple geometric shapes and when it was all over, it looked very decidedly African-inspired. Then of course things sort of take a life on its own and pretty soon I'm discovering about Kente Cloths and African Mudcloths made by the Bamana women encoded with secrets in the way that they choose the symbols and where they place them, serving as "documents" that are passed on to generations. I like this a lot and I wish I knew more about the different symbols and what they mean so I can encode a story in the same way. My big fear is that now, having known (therefore releasing all claim to ignorant bliss) these symbolisms, I may have encoded the a faux pas sentiment: This dude killed the wrong tribe. If no one is the wiser and the design is aesthetically pretty, no is hurt disappointed unless you happen to read Bamana symbols and then I'm embarrassed.

This incidentally is one of many reasons not to get a tattoo in a script of a foreign language. Really, are you really sure those marks on your arm say "peace" and not, let's say "cauliflower" for example. Think about that.

Still don't judge me if I do attempt a story making my own bogolanfini (African Mudcloths). I think it would be a fun project but I'm also sure you have stories of your own to tell in which case I invite you to go ahead and tell it in any way you can and if it involves heavy cotton soaked in water infused with cengua tree leaves and covered with mud then all the better.

have a good week,
Ashima

P.S.
These scarves are part of my MelWell project and are available for purchase over here.

note to self: bokeh

2009-04-04T15:11:00.001-07:00

i came across this word bokeh

i'm not really sure what it means yet

i'm going out to a dinner party at this moment

yet i couldn't wait and can't help but posit

this as a possible example of something

that might be

that could be

bokeh

dreamy

2009-03-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

It was quite drab today but for a few short minutes light filled my studio long enough for me to take this photo. It's so dreamy. I like that.

I have hopes for this project over here. I won't mind if it's slow-going, in fact I prefer that we take it slow. However slowly, I want us to get somewhere. It's so vague this somewhere but I know each of us have some sense of where that is within the geography of our own hearts.

--ashima

call to prayer

2009-03-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

my walk led me here

a post with ragged calls for peace

in writings i can't read

but completely understand

i can hear my desperate plea

and my quiet hope

as the wind catches and unravels

yet another thread

Studio Sessions

2009-03-17T12:50:00.001-07:00

Studio Sessions

So the big news that I never did share, much to the confusion of my few but loyal readers, was that I had started what one friend suggested was the equivalent of a modern day salon. In French, it means a large room meant to receive and entertain guests, a gathering of people, a private gathering of artists, conniseurs and intellectuals, like those exhibits in Paris when the expressionists was just busting out into the main scene in art with their seemingly vague and unintentional brush strokes. It sounds more loftier than what I had planned but I like the idea of the gathering. Last Fall, my long-time roommate and friend moved out and I turned one of the bedrooms into a studio and offered the stash of art supplies I've accumulated over the years for use by me and my friends. Every week we gather for a few hours at my apartment and we work on, well, whatever. This week whatever is the last bits of winter knitting and the beginnings of our Spring Printmaking and Photography sessions. Have a look here .

Nada is knitting a beautiful vibrant green scarf with a Malabrigo wool yarn. She is a natural in knitting. Watching her hands is mesmerizing. Amanda is taking photographs but her true interest these days is cooking and more specifically healthy cooking. See what's in the stove top. It's her amazing fritata. Mary is the expert knitter and by the looks of it will also be the expert printmaker. Katy has been drawing. She made an ingenious set of cards. They sort of work like tarot cards except they are based on characters from literature. She's given us readings which have been uncanny in its accuracy it borders on scary.

For spring we have ambitious plans for printmaking but we start with the simplest, those of potato prints. The potato prints turned out great. I've had these Lotta Jansdotter books that I've been collecting and I've been itching to try these projects for quite a while now because they look so easy but finished at the same time. I like that we figure things out together. We simply followed the directions together. The important thing to note is that you do need some kind of a cushioned material so that the material gives in a bit to make better, clearer impressions. Here, we used felt. My prints are the peppermint pinwheels and Mary made ones that look like a egg nests or bike tires. We don't know what these will turn out to be and I'm excited to find out.

More soon. Really.

ashima

How I feel these days

2009-03-10T11:13:00.001-07:00

[[string:by2:How I feel these days

Love means to learn to look at yourself
The way one looks at distant things
For you are only one thing among many
And whoever sees that way heals his heart.
Without knowing it, from various ills---
A bird and a tree say to him: Friend

--Czelsaw Milosz

Missing You, Missing Me

2009-03-07T07:07:00.002-08:00

By popular demand, and by that I mean Lusso's Mom, I am writing back here in this space. She wrote me a sweet note that said she misses me. I miss her too and hope to see her soon. I do miss writing here. I miss a lot of things lately. I miss taking the train downtown to work. I miss the rhythmic chugging hiss of the tracks, the slow dance of people in trance on the train as they start their day. I miss reading the blog of my favorite artist Mav of port2port press so I splurged and bought this book above about a year long photography blog of mornings between two friends who live 3191 miles apart to try to reconnect to those mornings when I would start the day inspired and awed by their view of the world.

Lately too, I miss a lot of people in my life, people that make me me. I miss my family a lot. It's been a hurried couple of months filled with beautiful events -- a new marriage in my family, a ski adventure with friends, a thrilling reunion with the boys of my old highschool -- and then suddenly I find myself on a sort of full stop. My project ended and finally I have time to rest and catch up and organize and think. I'm in some sort of archeological dig, taking inventory of things, a full account of life through its artifacts and when I do that, I start to note gaps, excesses, and the missing sticks out like a big gaping hole in the center of my heart. There are many kinds of missing. There are those that a quick fix of a phone call or email can fulfill, a short little shoutout that says I am thinking of you. You people my heart. But there's also a kind of missing that cannot be filled. Here and there I see an old photo of a friend, someone really important to me, someone I cared about a lot, some no longer a part of my life because of many reasons, because of distance, because of time, because of circumstances, because of words exchanged and unsaid. These are the tougher ones to process. It sort of feels like missing a tooth, your tongue goes over the part where you expect them to be and even when your mind understands why they are no longer there, your heart can't quite catch up.

I want you to know I miss you and think of you and when I do, I wish that your life is filled with beauty.

love,
ashima

what's it all about

2008-11-30T20:42:00.000-08:00

curiouswao

The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
Junot Diaz

It's been a week since I've finished this book and I'm still thinking about it. That's alwasy a good sign. It took me four passes on that first paragraph which is unusual in that usually if a book doesn't grab me by the first page, I would have given up on it, unless it was required reading. In the story, Oscar Wao, an overweight, socially awkward Dominican boy comes of age, narrated from the various voices of himself, his family and friends with each narration skillfully incorporating historical events that shaped the Dominican Republic, the horrors of slavery and colonization and the decades-long dictatorship of Trujillo. These and many other things make this book interesting and worth the read. I can tell you I've never seen sentences constructed the way Junot Diaz does them. There is a rough but natural quality to the movement of his words on a page. Writers like Jhumpa Lahiri write words as if it were water, flowing in an ebb and flow that seems to echo back to the most primal, womb-like existence we may not have cognitive memories of but lives in our instinct. Junot's is different. The writing is alive because it jumps right out the page and punches you in the nose for your prompt and quick attention. It doesn't rest. It doesn't let you wallow in the misery. It makes you look at it, at fuku, at loss, at sorrow, at misery, at love with the intent and ferocity that it demands. That's what is all about.

Thanks, Amanda, for this book recommendation.

a clever way to get over a break up

2008-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

Heartbreaks are nothing new. There are hundreds occurring as we speak, each one significant in its own space. I was driving back to my family for Thanksgiving when I heard this piece on the radio and it made me laugh and made me cry in its cheeky but dead on account of the other-worldly quality that we suddenly see the world through heartbroken eyes. I seem to like things that are both clever and sad at the same time. That's always a winning combination for me. Anyway, this piece entitled Dr. Phil (USA) won the Best Radio Documentary for the Third Coast Festival and it will be available in its full version for a limited time so I hope my sketchy intro here has instigated you enough to hear it while you can.

The writer, Starlee Kine, writes for This American Life about herself, as a girl who on the wake of a break-up decides to write a love song, and not just any kind of love song, a torch song even, the most pathetic ones, the kinds that made careers for Dusty Springfield and the likes. With lyrics that will make your circle of confidante friends' eyes roll wide such as the following: you don't have to say you love me just be close at hand. Pl-ease! Stop!

The funny bits come in as Starlee, dead serious, attempts to do this despite having no musical ability at all and in fact enlists the help of an apt but improbable mentor---Phil Collins. Talk about against all odds. So, grip your hearts and have a listen. It will make you laugh, I promise.

A sneak peak

2008-11-10T13:51:00.000-08:00

Everyday I ride the train and more often than not when not reading the paper or a book, people are usually in some sort of a trance and I wonder, always, what they are thinking. I wish there was some kind of device that would allow you a view of the images in one's mind.

If one can see mine, this is what they will see. It's all coming together.

love anew

2008-10-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

The Gargoyle
Andrew Davidson

I don't know why I love the books that I love. I don't know what makes me pick them up from the shelves and start reading. For this it started simply with a word: gargoyle. But the real deal-closer was the first line. This one starts:

Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, often violently, just like love.

Maybe I liked what the author said in an interview that a lot of us have been burned by love and that he had always had the idea of writing a story that story that started, not ended, with one.

I read this dark and myteriously anachronistic tale now, during Halloween, after I scared myself silly visiting a Haunted House. Seems apropo to the exercise of casting out the private agonies that haunt the mind. I'll let you know how it goes, but I can feel it already, love anew for the unexplainable beauty of finding a writer who seems to write through me.

I have updates for you on Monday on my little secret.

Have a good Halloween Weekend.
Ashima

Update: I was not wrong about this book. It's love anew.

2008-10-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

transitions...
i think about them a lot lately.

There is quiet and unrest in my days. There is darkness and light in the very same skies. There is worry and quiet anticipation all in the same breath. There is confusion and understanding within the very same thought. I'm sure though I'm not the only one who feel this way sometimes. There is far too many of us not to have a common experience more than once in a while. That is my one true comfort.

I have plans in the next couple of weeks. If you hold me to it, I will make itself known but for now it's my little secret.

Here's to the start of a good week ahead.
cheers,
ashima

sisters

2008-10-03T11:03:00.000-07:00

we met
my sisters and i
it's nice
it's like meeting
old friends again
for the first time
except friends sometimes come and go

these two
have no choice but to stay
but the difference is
they don't seem to mind

collage.1

2008-09-28T20:38:00.001-07:00

collage.1

I don't sleep in the master suite in my own home---
the smaller closet is a small price to pay
for the morning light that pays me a visit each morning.

awake

2008-09-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

Woke up early today
for no reason
other than to awaken
so i read
and posted pictures
to will my time away

the parting

2008-09-22T04:50:00.001-07:00

[[string:by2:parting

Moses is the authority of this particular event so I won't venture to be the expert but if i can imagine the parting of a sea, it would include these: rolling clouds, vexing waves, warm wind and peaks of a blue sky (for hope, always in good measure).

sabishisa

2008-09-14T20:41:00.001-07:00

[[string:by2:one

[:sabishisa]

Won't you come and see
loneliness? Just one leaf
from the kiri tree

-Basho, 1692

Over the rainy weekend, I indulged in sad contentment. I went for long walks in the rain. I didn't really mind. I love the rain. I love the the smell of the air after a good rain shower, soupy and mossy as if new things are ready to unearth itself from the ground. I love the comfortable patter of it raindrops on my window sill especially in the evenings. It lulls me to sleep.

Change is in the air. I can feel it in me and around me, among the people in my heart. It's a different kind of change, too. It's not the sort that springs one into action. It's the sort the burrows in quiet. I think it will be okay. At least I hope so. I found a word for it: sabishisa. I came across it in a book I'm reading about elements of Japanese Desgin. In the book it is described as a state of emptiness, like being lost in a boundless sea of nothingness, a state of utter spiritual poverty in which having nothing we possess all.

Lately everything I knew to be true seem to have a way of turning itself on its head to give me a new view. In a strange way it is comforting. It makes life interesting. So dear reader, forgive me, indulge with me, if you can, in sad contentment for this time of sabishisa in my life.

channeling beauty

2008-09-05T06:11:00.001-07:00

[[string:by2:upsilamba outpost banner

You will find these stone carvings on the pillars that welcome you to the tomb of the most hated emperor in Vietnam. I treasure most the feel of the crevices that make the ornate shapes. You can find plenty of these in museums but here out in the open sun dismissed as old and unimportant I run my hands through the surface hoping to channel the craftsmanship of artists long gone into my own. I particularly love the cloud themes.

who enjoys being a girl

2008-09-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

[[string:by2:082008

Bill Bryson says remarkable changes can happen in any time span, sometimes it is decades, centuries, milleniums, a day, the time it takes to sneeze, or the time it takes to decide which shoes goes with a favorite outfit. This girl will tell you that her 20-year old self would hate this shoe-loving, outfit-obsessed evolution but that's too easy an argument. Somehwere between the shoe aisles, in the rows of eye-popping 3-inch heels and beaded summer sandals, she found a new spring in her feet that had nothing to do with shoes and somewhere between the racks of pretty summer dresses, she lost her inhibition in speaking her mind and found herself fitting in nicely among many diverse groups and ideas. However it happens and how soon or how long it takes place, change is good because life is beautiful and life is short to waste on frumpy outfits that make you feel fugly. Now what do you think of this outfit?

someday i will

2008-08-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

[photo:someday i will: Dak Lak, Vietnam, August 2008]

mark says this reminds him
of when he was himself a boy
allowed to be a boy and free
to jump
in streams and rivers
forgiven for darkening his skin
bathing in the heat and sun
in a small town in Dipolog

gigi

2008-08-29T13:52:00.001-07:00

[[string:by2:oh i want to feel what she is feeling

[[string:by2:so thrilled to be photographed

[[string:by2:oh i want that inner knowing

i don't really know her name
but i think i'll call her Gigi
look at her here
feeling pretty
and rightly so

she makes me smile

fishing for beads

2008-08-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

photo:fishing for beads

good people around me fall sick
i am neither a doctor or nurse
but i fish for beads and with each i think
of good health to carry us all through

another step program

2008-08-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

[[string:by2:we climbed this many

here a 308-step program for getting what you want:

1. Know what you want

2-308. To Be Defined

[photo: Point Reyes Lighthouse, Mendocino, California, August 2007]

be like the lichen

2008-08-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

[[string:by2:lichens? i think.

a new mantra:

be like the lichen
happy just to be,
clinging devotedly
to a wind-whipped rock

---bill bryson

bidden

2008-08-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

a great many things bid me from bed
but none is better than the morning light
in this living room,
the sunkissed woodfloors gleam
and the sofa invites me
to bask in the remaining shadows

bittermelon

2008-08-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

[photo: Bittermelon. Bulacan, Philippines, February 2007]

in my language, this is called ampalaya
it's a curiousity that this vegetable was ever
considered for food for it
leaves a bitter taste in your mouth
that can only be made palatable
by soaking it in salt and lots of it

yet for all its bitterness
this remains a family favorite
and for my brother, who is a chef,
his comfort food
one mother used to cook for him
when she sensed
he needed cheering

bitterness and cheer
Who knew?

Waiting for a good wave

2008-08-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

waiting for a good wave
one that will catch me right under my belly
and take me right back to shore
one will come I'm sure
if I just wait

One Day

2008-08-22T16:29:00.001-07:00

Dusk at at the Citadel, the ancient fort, the two kites are the holdout to the day's kite runners. I sit at the hot cobble stones. I watch that boundless sky attempting impossibly to make out the thin string that holds them to the ground and the young boys whose mothers I'm sure were calling them for dinner.

It's as if one says to the other one day one of us will be lost to the other. It had always been you (lost) to me but this time it's different. Grace says it best.

One day
one of us
will be lost
to the other

this has been
talked about but
lightly turning
away shyness this
business of con-
fronting the
preference for
survival

of course I
want you in the world
whether I’m in it or
not your spirit
I probably mean

there is always
something to say in
the end speaking
without breath one
of us will be lost
to the other

-Grace Paley

Me. I really need a haircut.

2008-08-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Posting everyday is hard. Mostly because I keep debating what is appropriate content for a blog, which is a discussion I've read often among bloggers. Where do you draw the line between sharing too much and sharing too little? Must there even be a reason other than to seize the opportunity to practice writing, encourage once self to think about things just a little bit more critically to try to get to the bottom of why certain things resonate to you than others. So. Me. Need Haircut? Too much info? Too little? Too insignificant? You decide.

Simple

2008-08-20T21:33:00.001-07:00

...sometimes is best.

Today I celebrate the last of my kitchen renovation payments. There are a finishing touches to be made (lighting, pantry cabinet doors, backsplash) but the general idea for the kitchen makeover is all done. I love this new kitchen. It has brown walls that I thought I would get tired of eventually but it's been close to 10 months and I still think the brown makes the room cozy and sophisticated. It provides a setting only made even better with the meditative qualities of making cafe sua da, Vietnamese ice coffee, slow brewed and sweetened with condensed milk. My neighbor Denise made that mosaic disk that is sitting on top of the table. It's on loan, but don't remind her that....

When boys grow up

2008-08-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

They need bigger beds. Oliver has a big boy bed now. If you know his parents as well as I do, you would realize that he is their quintessential combination. He is smart, outgoing, smart, good looking, smart, good natured, smart. (Smart runs in both parents; They can fight about all the rest.) Oliver loves to read. His big thing now is to find the word car in this book that he likes and when you ask him things about the book he knows what's going on, remembers words even difficult ones like pedestrian and carefully. He uses the preposition to for everything. He hands you a candy bar and says with a cuteness that ought to be included in a penicillin capsule: Open to me please. I love it when you see a child grow up right before your eyes, the way they start putting things together in their heads, how they get excited about a word the way they do with new toys. I envy parents for this very novel view of the world.

Once I was in a New York subway train and I happen to observe a young new reader as she mouth the word exit silently. She tried a good many times before giving up and after her Mom finally helped her sound out the words, I saw her close her eyes, briefly and almost solemnly, as she entered that word in the brand new and enormously spacious database in her head.

In life, there is a place for critical thinking and questioning and doubt---even cynicism---but I would rather see the world the way these kids do. Presented with a candy bar of strawberry goodness, I want to approach the world the way Oliver does. With open arms and curious eyes I want to say:

Open to me, please. Open to me!

The New Amanda

2008-08-18T12:09:00.001-07:00

Perhaps you may not have noticed her transformation from radioactive superhero to fashion icon. Note the leather cuff with the colorful stone. This is her rock chic outfit which by her now updated standards is not even her best stuff. So check back for the truly rocking stuff as the weeklong blog continues.

A Case for Sainthood

2008-08-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

I met one of my own personal saints today at Hartigan Beach. She reminds me of my lack of due diligence on posting so I vow to write everyday for a week. As a jumpstart to the week-long blogging exercise and since today is Sunday I start by making a case for sainthood.

My personal saint is pretty cool. Her halo magically turns into a frisbee as shown above. She sings in a rock glee club, her clothes are funky and usually short and revealing unlike the marmish garbs of my other favorite saints (St. Therese, St. Ignatius) and just like the saints of that wild eyed Damian, mine can be conveniently summonned for drinks at Hopleaf on Friday nights by a simple cellular phone call. Of course the true question is what has necessitated the need to summon a saint in the first place. Well saints, as it turns out, are quite useful to have around. To begin with, they offer your roommate, your friends and your pets, even your local barista for whom you haven't broken a smile of thanks, a break from your insanity of the past couple of days.

Now the very idea of saints is a matter that has spurred division among big religions but this is not about that. This is a testament to the workings of what I can only call, obligingly for lack of a better word, divine providence, of how when we seek it, it is there in various and unlikely forms. Last week it was in the clear prose of Bill Bryson who comprehensively lays out fact after fact of the enourmousness of our universe making a case for how insignificant yet unbelievably lucky we are, the sheer randomness of how we came into being, the inexplicable way that scientifically we ought not be here yet, perversely, we are. Today it was in the lyrics of a Scottish traditional church anthem and a pep talk from a much loved saint who tells me I'm not a fool, that I am brave and that the heart will heal as all hearts do and that she is of me "proud as a dog in shoes" for daring to seek the person that I am born to be. Who that is is work in progress but I'm fairly certain it includes love and the constant pursuit of grace and kindness in all circumstances even ones that leave me broken and lost.

Ah Vietnam!

2008-07-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

hi!

Did I tell you I went to Vietnam? I did. Sort of on a whim which is the best kind of travel. Vietnam is an unlikely destination for me. I never would have even thought of going but now having seen it, I couldn't imagine not ever having gone. I'm working on pictures of which there are far too many (14GB), but here is one that I know in my bones will be a favorite.

We were in a tiny village, no more than a dozen houses, getting our flat tire fixed. I think she was summoned to witness the commotion of strangers visiting their tiny enclave with cameras to entertain. She inched slowly out of this house, curious but uncertain. It took some doing but I finally got her to smile.

Well, sort of.

More soon. I promise,

ashima

Telltale

2008-07-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

I wish I had my camera so I can show you what I saw in my purse today when I got to the office to get some money for coffee this morning. Two avocados. I've been lugging it around for days. I stopped by the organic store Monday for some greens to cooks with pork chops. I had forgotten my reusable grocery bag so I shoved everything in my purse and my computer bag. I wonder if my computer bag still has the bag of asparagus. What does that tell me? It tells me summer life is hurried and furious and I'm weary and worn down from the grind.

elsewhere

2008-05-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

Early Sunday morning, I take my place in the usual left seat by the cafe table in my kitchen and I make myself a cup of coffee and go somewhere, elsewhere.

When in rut, talk to Ted

2008-04-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm in a rut! So I went and talked to Ted. Ted is great. The best thing about Ted is that he/she can transform to whichever expert thinker that you want Ted to be, sort of like summoning a superhero to your aid in a transcendent way. In this round, Ted was in the form of pint-sized but insightful writer Amy Tan talking about where creativity hides. I like the bit about moral ambiguity as a natural stomping grounds for all things creative, that it is in embracing the unknown that she finds herself driven to create these stories that uncover secrets, patterns, knowledge and truth from serendipity and chance. I think my problem is that I view these wildly successful people already from the perch of their successes. From that branch, sitting confidently, their view of the world seems assured and planned. I forget there's a great deal of work that happens to get to that perch. Listen to Amy Tan. Listen to Philipp Stark. Read Muhammad Yunus. A common segment of their talks always touch on that part of them when they felt most vulnerable, when they go to a place in themselves where they are not in the know, or even if they are in the know, they don't think that what they do is particularly important, or useful or meaningful. The knowledge is at once liberating and humbling. I do not suffer from false modesty. I do not think that what I want to do is particularly useful or meaningful to others but it is important to me and maybe by virtue of me operating in the same universe as everyone else that is enough to go on.

Someday it will be clear to me

2008-04-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

Someday it will be clear to me what it is that I do. I am writing in the heels of a failure. I hesitate to call it a failure because, let's be honest, it is not in human nature to think in terms of loss. We spin. What do we call that, we euphemize.

April 1st came and went and I never did apply for art school. It is never really clear to me why. I had enough to show them, but I never could click the submit button.

That' s my confession. I could spin you my euphemism, and I tried and I ended up backspacing until my fingers hurt. In the end, it just never felt right or at least not yet. I don't feel deflated though which would have been my usual typical reaction. Maybe because the weather is getting better here and I'm looking forward to the start of the volleyball season when me and my friends will start hanging out by the lake. I vow to bring my camera with me, no matter how cumbersome it is.

Life is good despite despite some failures. I have friends and family and work that allows me freedom to explore new things. Maybe it's not time for me to explore art school yet. Maybe it's time for just exploring what spring and summer brings. We shall see

Stitching memories

2008-03-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

Years ago, new to a city and knowing very few I would spend hours at Borders browsing books and magazines and I rarely buy Vogue thinking it too fancy for me but I read the story of Project Alabama and the designer Natalie Chanin and her philosophy about clothes and fashion and the story of her return to her home in Florence, Alabama. I clipped that Vogue article, kept it for years and years in my inspiration file. A few weeks ago, I saw the Alabama Stitch Book on the same Borders bookstore and even from afar, I could tell that the photos from the cover were of clothes made by in the mind and the hand of these Alabama women whom I've come to admire. In 2006 Project Alabama ceased operations in Alabama to move their production overseas, but Natalie kept her resolve and her dedication to the region and stayed behind and set anew and established Alabama Chanin.

Here is a corset top that I made from the pattern and the same reverse applique that made Natalie Chanin and the women of Alabama a worldwide success. Everything is hand-stitched and while that sounds truly intimidating, the experience was completely the opposite. I would come home and work on a panel an hour or so at night while listening to NPR or watching TV or talking to my friends and before I knew it I was done. This is a gift for my sister for her birthday. We are all older now and thinking of new ways to celebrate each other can be challenging, even tiresome. It's nice to come up with new ways to make memories for each other as we get older.

Make a wish...

2008-01-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

If these were my birthday cake, that's how many candles there would be for me to wish on. That ought to be a good thing to have thirty some odd wishes to give voice to but truth be told, I am leery of wishes for as soon as you think it, it already by token is perceived impossible and therefore requires intervention of the divine, supernatural, mystic kind in order to be fulfilled. Invariably an inordinate proportion of the wish list ends up with Matt Damon in an embrace. Then too, there's that guilt, that gnawing feeling at the pit of your stomach that you have disappointed yourself for not being the better person, for not wishing world peace instead of wasting a wish on Matt Damon.

So maybe instead of wishes, I shall blow candles in thanksgiving for I am very lucky to be here and that --- despite the odd packaging, the ocassional mishaps, the expected mistakes --- I am doing okay and I feel fine.

I've been thinking much about this feeling, particulary this needing to always measure our sense of happiness at any given moment. Juraj a few months ago introduced me to the work of Jonathan Harris, a technology maverick, an artist and designer. If you have the time and the inclination, you must watch this talk he presented at the TED conference. He is a genius in my book, a category I reserve for those who have the uncanny ability to give me new eyes. A technologist with a soul of an artist, Harris gives us a whole new way of looking at the world by applying technology that scours thousand of blogs and public forums for a very simple content: how do we feel?

If you are ever interested about how the world as represented by bloggers are feeling at any given moment, try cutting and pasting the link below in an internet browser and see what happens. If you are feeling adventurous, replace the word "fine" at the end of the link to whatever you wish. Try used, sad, creative, adventurous, crap, vindictive, shy. Whatever you feel like. It's up to you. That's what makes it beautiful. In fact, search for that word. Beautiful.

The LINK BELOW shows the last 50 lines that show feeling fine:

http://api.wefeelfine.org:8080/ShowFeelings?display=xml&returnfields=feeling,sentence&limit=50&feeling=fine

Camiguin

2008-01-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

I long for better weather. Right now it is snowing and it is 8 degrees outside. My roommate is sick and so am I. I caulked the front bay windows shut, sick of having to always pull the drapes leaving the room in darkness. Beneath my desk is a small space heater to bring in the necessary heat for my toes are freezing. I wish I could take off my frozen socks and dip my feet into the waters that bound Camiguin's White Island, a stretch of crescent-shaped white sand bar in the middle of the Bohol Sea.

Simula

2008-01-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I am looking forward to this year with great enthusiasm but there's a lot of work ahead. I have to get going, get started, get ready. Here's a new beginning to a new year. I start with a metal letter sign A, a thrift store find. I clear my bedside table and ready it for beautiful and inspiring objects that will hold me in silence.

Goodbye, my banner year!

2007-12-31T22:00:00.000-08:00

This was my banner year. I took a chance and chance took me by surprise. What is most amazing to me is that I am exactly where I was when I left---the same house, the same job, the same friends, always the same family though happily now more extended (hi amy!)---but everything is different because I see it with new eyes and isn't that all there is sometimes.

To the Sea, To the Sea

2007-12-05T15:50:00.000-08:00

We are back in the islands. We come home to a flooded house and a ruined garden and it breaks my heart but we are buoyed by celebrations of a wedding. This is what I gave Amy to welcome her into our family. I hope she likes it. I made a cast of a conch shell I took from a sea, maybe from Palawan or maybe from Liguria. Last night we had dinner, the two families together. I see my brother move his way around their kitchen. He knows where everything is: the spatula to stew the curried crabs, the knives to open the oyster shells, the mortar and pestle to grind pepper to season the bangus. He navigates the space with the same ease as he does our own kitchen. I will take that with me when I leave.

I tried...but she said

2007-11-19T14:36:00.000-08:00

It's hard to live with a celebrity, especially a celebrity with hair problems. I tried everything, gave her a comb, a special coupon to a nice hair salon called Great Clips, hair clips, everything, but you know what she said. She said: No. No. No.

Taking a step in the right direction

2007-11-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

I finally am taking baby steps towards the kind of work I would like to be doing more of at least in the IT field: web and graphic design. Today the order of the day is a welcome page for a hair salon and spa. I drove to the salon a few weeks ago to take pictures and to meet with the client. I was pleased with the way I handled this client meet. She took me on a tour of her place. She was still putting in final touches and was in fact hard at work at sewing these very curtains that are in the background. I'm finding that like everything else, the hardest part of this task is not at all the technical aspects of the work. It's actually quite easy coding. The hardest part is figuring out what Agni wanted, what is her look, what would she like the website to evoke. It's unbelievably harder to arrive at these answers than one would think. Starting off with the question like What do you want the website to look like? turns out not to be the best take off point. You often get the default answer: I don't know. Something unique. Well unique doesn't really tell us a whole lot. But ask them which one is more their style: Pottery Barn or Crate and Barrel and you get more finite answers. Her answer was Pier1. Not in the selection list, but still a heck of a lot more information than going for ubiquitous uniqueness.

Right Love

2007-11-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

In a few weeks my family is heading back to the Islands to celebrate my brother's wedding. We have much to do to get ready. This is what I find framed by the doorway as I was leaving after visiting them last weekend. This photo says a lot about my Mom and me. In a nutshell it is this: I knew you wouldn't be ready so I went ahead and packed for you. The potted plant however cushions the jab of criticism of the luggage as it represents her hope that I will not kill yet another house plant that she grew from cutlings for me. That's my Mom. So critical, but so sweet. I love that about her.

Red Necklace

2007-11-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm sick today and working from home but am taking a short break to set my laundry and on my way up, I cut the last remaining flowers in the garden and set them at the table next to this photo from my favorite magazine. I love that red necklace. I'm not even sure it's a real necklace. It's more like scraps of red fabric shaped into circles sewn together. My mind is mulling over this image. But first I must get to the bottom of a server error in one of my dot net applications at work. Sometimes work just gets in the way....

Funny

2007-11-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing in this blog for many reasons. Like my life, I suppose, the blog has gotten cluttered. Photos of travel, shoutouts to friends and family's birthdays, essays aI started it when I quit my job and travelled. I suppose I tried to record my life as it changed, if it did. It's tough to think about life like that, or maybe the blog, public as it is, yet anonymous in a way, makes it hard to balance.

Then I came across FOMATO through the delightful mav. So many things I like about fomato. She comes across as someone who is really funny. I mean funny especially the "easy clause out" of her shop opening in June, or November or Never. As someone who's been thinking about opening a shop but has never gotten round to doing it, I wish I thought of it that way. So I'm glad I found this site. I'm taking it as a wakeup call to:

1. Lighten up
2. Have fun
3. Enjoy
4. Not take yourself so seriously

Doodling for a new format

2007-09-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

Sarah once gave me a beautiful journal, handbound and with stocky papers. I couldn't wait to write on it but whenever I sat down to write on it, I felt the pages too pretty and my words to petty for them. This blog sometimes seem like that handmade journal. So I am hibernating for a new format. I'd like to be more consistent. All this is of course procrastination for what I am supposed to be doing which I have no idea at the moment. But Fall is upon us and I have high hopes for Fall. I have hopes to fall, to fall and see where I land. I hope to fall into place, I hope to fall into a schedule, maybe even fall in love.

Shadows

2007-09-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

I took a personality quiz and on Thursday, part-time rocker and full-time saint, st. scissors will cut me open to see what's inside. But how do you cut open a shadow?

Begin Again

2007-08-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and the first thing that came to my mind was a poem that had the words “begin again.” So I googled it and found the news that she had passed away last Wednesday. Her name is Grace Paley. I’ve never met this woman but she is a huge memory trigger for me. It’s the first book I picked out from the shelf of an old friend and somehow it stuck in my mind. The first short story I read of her is also the shortest story I've ever read, barely a page and a half and was about a woman returning a long overdue book (25 years) at the library and meeting her old husband there. It doesn’t hurt too that when I read her, I felt that she gave words to thoughts I would only dare say, muffled even when I knew no one was listening, to my pillow. Often I'm puzzled at the intensity that a seemingly insignifican fact seems to hold such importance. I don’t know why this happens but I have learned not think too too much about these sometimes obsessive impulses in my brain about things that I fear are either disconnected or useless. If I give it enough time, it leads me somewhere and often in surprising ways. So here the poem by one of the best voices I've ever heard among writers.

In the Bus

Somewhere between Greenfield and Holyoke
snow became rain
and a child passed through me
as a person moves through mist
as the moon moves through
a dense cloud at night
as though I were a cloud or mist
as child passed through me
On the highway that lies
across miles of stubble
and tobacco barns our bus speeding
speeding disordered the slanty rain
and a girl with no name naked
wearing the last nakedness of
childhood breathed in me
once no
two breaths
a sigh she whispered Hey you
begin again
Again?
again again you'll see
it's easy begin again long ago

---Grace Paley

Imperatives

2007-08-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

We happenned upon this by the pier of Coal Harbor, Vancouver Canada. I love it! A slide frame attached to the post with metal garden wires. It swung gently to the wind and caught my eye and I smiled when I saw those words. I love this. Such a good use of the imperative sentence which had been relegated to all things boring and tedious. And what a waste! Imperative sentences have such powerful impetus yet we have reduced it to be, essentially, the language for chores. Wash separately, the tag on your clothes would say for example.

Think! If we applied this intense construction to the business of our lives, think of what we could do. Imagine how brave we would be.

So genius an idea, I think I'll do the same in Chicago when I get back. Maybe in some small way some I can repay the same person who gave me the delightful gift of humor and wit on a sunny Friday afternoon by giving yet another unsuspecting person the opportunity to find themselves peering contentedly in the distance and in their own lives.

So dear reader, I invite you to think in imperatives, even for just a day, and then see what happens. Read intently. Love unabashedly. Floss precisely. Peer contentedly!

Pacific Coast Road Trip

2007-08-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

The road trip begins. I head off to LA with Kevin and Rachelle. We stay with my friends Arielo and Mady and his family. I meet Angeli, my godchild. She has wild eyes that stare at you waiting for you to do something great.

1 5K down

2007-07-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

1 race

37:49 minutes

June is Outdoor Month

2007-06-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

and my favorite blog apartment therapy used my photo to tout that very fact.

The Big Life

2007-06-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

We somehow think that time is this definable, countable, universally acknowledged, immutable entity. We mark our lives by it, laying down signs at various intervals on the linear highway that is our life. We have devised ingenious systems for its measurement, the magnitudes neatly stacked and pegged between colons to signify the hour, the minute and the second, synchronously knocking on each other. Move up one, Mr. Hour. You’re up! Then something happens to throw that whole linear perspective in a curve. You meet your old college roommates and in passing they tell you that Denise is now in college and you just about spill your coffee at the thought. You say: Hold up! Let’s think about that for a minute. Denise is now in college. Denise is the little baby girl you used to watch endlessly for hours spinning like a top, boundless energy and cheeky smiles all over. Yes, that Denise. That Denise is now in college. You feel your mile markers being compressed into a zip drive. Where did your life go? What is the parallel to Denise going to college. You calm yourself down and let that one, like all others, pass. Then you hear another news. Bob Barker retires from The Price is Right. You don’t know why but this seemingly inevitable fact has the magical effect of pulling the entire decade of the 80's right under you. You remember those days when you and your siblings find a spot on the big bed in your parent’s bedroom and you chime in on what you think is the current price of gum or bleach in some foreign country you’ve never been but somehow feels familiar with. You imagine yourself coming on down to be the next contestant to bid on the ultimate showcase which for you had always been that snazzy trailer. Oh that trailer! That beats that makeshift half teepee you fashion out of bed sheets and fasten between jalousie panels where you and Eneen practiced being homemakers. What a life! Imagine. You could live anywhere if you had a trailer. Anywhere! You don’t know exactly because the farthest you ever went was the border of your town and city and that was nowhere really but just having the sheer ability to do so was just enough to make you giddy. And that this thing has a working toilet and refrigerator was just the neatest thing you could ever imagine. Imagine.

Instead I dug a hole in the ground and there dropped the anchor. I live in a house with no wheels and I love it but sometimes I still dream of the open road the unknown and exciting life it conjures in my head. I want the Big Life. I want the pimped out Airstream that DWR says is within my reach. Look! That shape. That shimmer is just enough for me to leap against the echo of those words: Come on down, you are the next contestant on the Price is Right.

2007-06-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

Jecee is coming to visit and I get to show off the ever changing display of flowers in my window sill.

Lovely morning light

2007-05-23T10:32:00.001-07:00

Ganesh oversees my dishwashing

2007-05-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

You are special

2007-05-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

I missed the May 1st Immigration march. I am conflicted by all the rhetoric, to be honest. But that's not new, right? Still, thought I'd provide an homage to the sentiment.

At least we are special.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures

2007-04-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

Last Friday, it was freezing cold and rainy and everyone on the streets making their way to work had their game face on. They just wanted to be inside where it's warm and where they can finally take off this winter jacket that ought to have been drycleaned and sent off to storage. Brows furrowed, feet ready to sprint at the light, everyone is thinking where is that gorgeous spring weather we ordered. Everyone that is, but two -- the first is a down on his luck street wise peddler who says with the jolly of a santa in the off season: Smile! It's warm already. The other is a midlle-aged man in pin-striped suit practicing his golf swing with his soaked umbrella while waiting for the green light to cross.

The mind is such a powerful thing. It has the ability to overcome great odds or undermine brilliance.

Lovely morning light

2007-04-23T23:02:00.000-07:00

In the morning light, everything is beautiful.

ersatz sparklies

2007-04-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

I love my new double-breasted jacket with the large buttons and my silver open-toe flats. I feel new and sparkly. Speaking of which, I haven't made any sparklies of late. My studio has been silent, no clanging metal against metal, no spinning sound from my dremmel tool, no loud squeals of pain when I accidentaly burn my finger (that one I don't miss). I guess I had good reason. I had to attend to the business of living. Someday soon, I shall sparklies of a different kind to report. Someday soon.

2007-04-23T22:13:00.000-07:00

Yes. Me.

I'm back at work. Here at my desk preparing to write my blog entry made me think of Marco of Dr. Zeuss tale who thinks that a broken down wagon that is drawn by a horse much too meek a story and gets giddy in the head embelishing and just when he thought he had the story down pat, when asked what he saw on Mulberry Street, despite his grandiose ideas of a marvelous parade with horses that turn into zebras then onto an elephant carrying a rajah, he ultimately and disappointedly states the simple fact that he saw a horse and a wagon on Mulberry Street. But unlike Marco, I am only unable to describe the event but I really did see more than a horse and a wagon. I saw palaces and mountains and olive trees and lemon orchards. I saw paintings by Da Vinci, Michelangelo. Buildings by Brunelesci. I saw a humongous ad picture at North Edsa of John Lloyd telling me to take care of myself. I saw the flowering bloom of an okra plant and the okra that followed which made for some yummy lunch. I went to my favorite Church, St. Therese, and saw my old friends. I found my old college professor at the hallway of the Humanities Building of the Arts and Sciences in UPLB. I found Das Mobel in Vienna. I found my way through Trestevere. I found Hotel Enza in Florence. I found a beautiful picture of my Mom when she was single. I found my lost Gehry rings. I found me. So Yes. Me.

Happy Birthday!

2007-04-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

Did you remember to have some noodles for long life? I hope so. Happy Birthday, Ton. We miss you.